Post by Hammerstein on Dec 19, 2016 3:28:56 GMT
Saturday 12/17/16 9:15 AM New Orleans, Louisiana
Hammerstein sits at a table at Cafe Dumonde, enjoying their world famous beignets and cafe au lait. Hammerstein is on the phone with Carlos Diaz, GoL’s owner. From the look on Hammerstein’s face, the conversation isn’t a pleasant one.
Hammerstein:
I know, boss. But ya gotta admit, it’s a logical mistake dat anyone can make. I mean, it IS possible dat LA could mean Louisiana just as much as it could mean Los Angeles. What? Only to an idiot? Well, dat’s a good point, too….wait dat’s not what I….
*Hammerstein listens intently to what Diaz is saying*
Hammerstein:
PFFFT!Just cause I’m here don’t mean I won’t be dere. I’m headed for da airport as soon as I’m done wit dis plate of sugary goodness here. Dude, I’m tellin ya, dese tings are so loaded wit powdered sugar, boss, dat after a plate of dese, a dude would look like Pacino in Scarface, ya dig?
What?
Yeah, boss, I know ya don’t care. I’ll finish dese up and den I’mma head to da airport and fly ta LA...I mean da LA you’re at, not da LA I’m in.
What’s dat ?
No sir, boss, I’m not actin like a dumbass. Yessir, I understand dis is my GoL debut, and dat I has three people countin on me. Trust me, bossman, I won’t let em down.
Yessir, I know Big Boss Rosario is one bad dude. He gotta be a bad dude to be named after a Bruce Lee movie. Hey, bossman, does he know Kung-Fu? Dat would make us kindred spirits, cause ya know I’m an eighth degree black belt in Shaq-Fu. Yeah, dat’s a real ting. But, my sensei made me swear to never use it against a human being again, just against dragons and Narwhals.
Yessir, I said Narwhals. Dere horrible creatures. Just pure evil.
What’s dat, Sir? Sorry, sir, I ain’t dat flexible.Yessir, I know bout Bryan Ford, too. Dat is one talented dude, dude. I’m tellin’ ya, dud is thirty-one flavors of awesome! What? Well, I guess he’s just three flavors of awesome: mat wrestling, striking, and aerial. Speakin of thirty-one flavors….is it too late ta get an all-I-can-eat ice cream ryder written in ta my contract?
What? Nosir, I don’t tink an ice cream cone goes dere.
What? Roxi? Awwww, dude, she is HAWTT! I mean, she smokin hawtt, dude!
What?
She’s a what?
Well, as smokin as she is, she’d have no trouble bein a star of stage and screen.
Oh! Dat’s a thespian. And she’s what?
Dude! No offense, bossman, but it don’t matter dat she’s from da Middle East or not, she….
DANG! YOU AIN’T GOTTA YELL!
It don’t matter. Dose Middle Eastern women got dat...What? Dat’s Lebanese? Den whatcha tryin to tell me?
Ohhhhhh!
*Hammerstein’s face drops.*
Dang.
But I’m sure she gonna be a great team captain. Bein she a super hero and all.
No doubt, bossman. Ain’t no way dem fishticklers gonna be able ta handle da combined FREAKIN AWESOMENESS of Team BRRAH!
Huh? Bryan, Roxi, Rosario, And Hammerstein. It’s really simple if ya tink about…..
Hello?
Hello?
**********
Sunday 12/18/16 3:15 PM Boyle Heights, Los Angeles, California
The Mariscos Jalisco foodtruck is a landmark in Boyle Heights. Hundreds, if not thousands, flock to the truck to get a taste of the tasty Mexican food served from the window. Hammerstein sits on a bench, enjoying the wonderful food and weather. He takes a big bite from the Poseiden Tostada. The combination of octopus, ceviche, and shrimp aguachile leaves him with a big smile on his face. When he’s done, he walks over to the window and smiles at the vendor.
Hammerstein:
Dat was some top shelf eats, chief! Pure top kek chow, my bro.
Hammerstein holds out his fist for a bump from the chef. The chef looks at Hammerstein funny, then walks back towards his grill.
Hammerstein: Okay.Happy Holidays, my bro.
Here I am, in LA, Los Angeles, dat is, gettin ready for my big debut in Guerreros of Lucha at da biggest card of da year. I’m part of a real top kek team, Team BRRAH as I like to call us. Roxi is our leader, and Big Boss Rosario and Bryan Ford are my two co-soldiers. And we goin against a team of no good scoundrels I call Team Douchecanoe. Dat’s cause dey a buncha douchecanoes.
Ya got da team captain, Hewhohiccups. Dude, what kinda goofy name is dat? You need ta get a big ol’ drink a water, or have somebuddy scare ya real good. Or, my late Uncle Rufus use ta grab me by my pinky finger and my hiccups would just go away. But I has a better idea to cure yo hiccups, Hewhohiccups. It called Droppin da Hammer.
Den ya got dat guy Joey Eclair. Now, I ain’t da sharpest knife in da drawer, but if I was named after a donut, I’d have a sweeter personality than this toolbag. We gonna whoop dat fruitbooty, donut boy, until yo cream fillin spills out.
Wait, dat didn’ come out like I meant for it to……
Anyway, I see dis El Matto Acido dude, and dude looks cool. But dude is crazy, dude, talkin bout bein from anudder dimension and whatnot. I use ta know dis lady who was a timelord, and most people thought she was kookoo for cocoa puffs. You might be like dat too, dude, except for the lady part. I mean ya may have lady parts, but, i dunno. DON’T SHOW ME, DUDE!
But da biggest douchecanoe on Team Douchecanoe gotta be dis Washington dude. You, ya douchebag, you tink you da biggest patriot out dere. You hate on people just cause dey from anudder country. You hate on my Latino brothers and Latina sisters. Yeah, we has an immigration problem in dis country, but you ain’t helpin, ya douchebag. You tink if a dude aint white, he a nobuddy.
Lemme clue you in on sumpin, Donald Chump.
I come from a bi-racial ting. My momma was Jewish, and my daddy was a Native American. Ya know the only real American, not you, ya fishtickler. So, before ya go talkin bout bein a real American, ya better trace you stuff all da way back ta da dudes and chicks dat met da Pilgrims. Otherwise, stop bein a douchebag, ya douchebag. Or as my Latino friends say ‘Stop bein a douchebag, Senor douchebag.
On da real, tho, Washington. It’s a real shame dat somebody wit a name like you got can be so un-American as you. All da people dat watch us on TV and at da arenas, dat’s my people. Dat’s my family, whether dey black, white, red, yellow, or polka dotted, but ta be fair, if you polka dotted, take yoself to da doctor. Anyway, dese people my family and dey my partners’ family, and we ain’t gonna let ya hate on our family. And da rest a Team Douchebag, if y’all standin wit dis monkeyslapper, y’all gonna catch the booty whoopin of da year he gonna get.
Cause dis is da Christmas season, and Santa Hammerstein gonna be handin out fistbumps to da good boys and girls, and booty whoopins to da bad boys and girls, and Hewhohiccups, Joey Eclair, El Matto, and Senor Sam da Douchebag, y’all at da top of my naughty list.
Hammerstein sits at a table at Cafe Dumonde, enjoying their world famous beignets and cafe au lait. Hammerstein is on the phone with Carlos Diaz, GoL’s owner. From the look on Hammerstein’s face, the conversation isn’t a pleasant one.
Hammerstein:
I know, boss. But ya gotta admit, it’s a logical mistake dat anyone can make. I mean, it IS possible dat LA could mean Louisiana just as much as it could mean Los Angeles. What? Only to an idiot? Well, dat’s a good point, too….wait dat’s not what I….
*Hammerstein listens intently to what Diaz is saying*
Hammerstein:
PFFFT!Just cause I’m here don’t mean I won’t be dere. I’m headed for da airport as soon as I’m done wit dis plate of sugary goodness here. Dude, I’m tellin ya, dese tings are so loaded wit powdered sugar, boss, dat after a plate of dese, a dude would look like Pacino in Scarface, ya dig?
What?
Yeah, boss, I know ya don’t care. I’ll finish dese up and den I’mma head to da airport and fly ta LA...I mean da LA you’re at, not da LA I’m in.
What’s dat ?
No sir, boss, I’m not actin like a dumbass. Yessir, I understand dis is my GoL debut, and dat I has three people countin on me. Trust me, bossman, I won’t let em down.
Yessir, I know Big Boss Rosario is one bad dude. He gotta be a bad dude to be named after a Bruce Lee movie. Hey, bossman, does he know Kung-Fu? Dat would make us kindred spirits, cause ya know I’m an eighth degree black belt in Shaq-Fu. Yeah, dat’s a real ting. But, my sensei made me swear to never use it against a human being again, just against dragons and Narwhals.
Yessir, I said Narwhals. Dere horrible creatures. Just pure evil.
What’s dat, Sir? Sorry, sir, I ain’t dat flexible.Yessir, I know bout Bryan Ford, too. Dat is one talented dude, dude. I’m tellin’ ya, dud is thirty-one flavors of awesome! What? Well, I guess he’s just three flavors of awesome: mat wrestling, striking, and aerial. Speakin of thirty-one flavors….is it too late ta get an all-I-can-eat ice cream ryder written in ta my contract?
What? Nosir, I don’t tink an ice cream cone goes dere.
What? Roxi? Awwww, dude, she is HAWTT! I mean, she smokin hawtt, dude!
What?
She’s a what?
Well, as smokin as she is, she’d have no trouble bein a star of stage and screen.
Oh! Dat’s a thespian. And she’s what?
Dude! No offense, bossman, but it don’t matter dat she’s from da Middle East or not, she….
DANG! YOU AIN’T GOTTA YELL!
It don’t matter. Dose Middle Eastern women got dat...What? Dat’s Lebanese? Den whatcha tryin to tell me?
Ohhhhhh!
*Hammerstein’s face drops.*
Dang.
But I’m sure she gonna be a great team captain. Bein she a super hero and all.
No doubt, bossman. Ain’t no way dem fishticklers gonna be able ta handle da combined FREAKIN AWESOMENESS of Team BRRAH!
Huh? Bryan, Roxi, Rosario, And Hammerstein. It’s really simple if ya tink about…..
Hello?
Hello?
**********
Sunday 12/18/16 3:15 PM Boyle Heights, Los Angeles, California
The Mariscos Jalisco foodtruck is a landmark in Boyle Heights. Hundreds, if not thousands, flock to the truck to get a taste of the tasty Mexican food served from the window. Hammerstein sits on a bench, enjoying the wonderful food and weather. He takes a big bite from the Poseiden Tostada. The combination of octopus, ceviche, and shrimp aguachile leaves him with a big smile on his face. When he’s done, he walks over to the window and smiles at the vendor.
Hammerstein:
Dat was some top shelf eats, chief! Pure top kek chow, my bro.
Hammerstein holds out his fist for a bump from the chef. The chef looks at Hammerstein funny, then walks back towards his grill.
Hammerstein: Okay.Happy Holidays, my bro.
Here I am, in LA, Los Angeles, dat is, gettin ready for my big debut in Guerreros of Lucha at da biggest card of da year. I’m part of a real top kek team, Team BRRAH as I like to call us. Roxi is our leader, and Big Boss Rosario and Bryan Ford are my two co-soldiers. And we goin against a team of no good scoundrels I call Team Douchecanoe. Dat’s cause dey a buncha douchecanoes.
Ya got da team captain, Hewhohiccups. Dude, what kinda goofy name is dat? You need ta get a big ol’ drink a water, or have somebuddy scare ya real good. Or, my late Uncle Rufus use ta grab me by my pinky finger and my hiccups would just go away. But I has a better idea to cure yo hiccups, Hewhohiccups. It called Droppin da Hammer.
Den ya got dat guy Joey Eclair. Now, I ain’t da sharpest knife in da drawer, but if I was named after a donut, I’d have a sweeter personality than this toolbag. We gonna whoop dat fruitbooty, donut boy, until yo cream fillin spills out.
Wait, dat didn’ come out like I meant for it to……
Anyway, I see dis El Matto Acido dude, and dude looks cool. But dude is crazy, dude, talkin bout bein from anudder dimension and whatnot. I use ta know dis lady who was a timelord, and most people thought she was kookoo for cocoa puffs. You might be like dat too, dude, except for the lady part. I mean ya may have lady parts, but, i dunno. DON’T SHOW ME, DUDE!
But da biggest douchecanoe on Team Douchecanoe gotta be dis Washington dude. You, ya douchebag, you tink you da biggest patriot out dere. You hate on people just cause dey from anudder country. You hate on my Latino brothers and Latina sisters. Yeah, we has an immigration problem in dis country, but you ain’t helpin, ya douchebag. You tink if a dude aint white, he a nobuddy.
Lemme clue you in on sumpin, Donald Chump.
I come from a bi-racial ting. My momma was Jewish, and my daddy was a Native American. Ya know the only real American, not you, ya fishtickler. So, before ya go talkin bout bein a real American, ya better trace you stuff all da way back ta da dudes and chicks dat met da Pilgrims. Otherwise, stop bein a douchebag, ya douchebag. Or as my Latino friends say ‘Stop bein a douchebag, Senor douchebag.
On da real, tho, Washington. It’s a real shame dat somebody wit a name like you got can be so un-American as you. All da people dat watch us on TV and at da arenas, dat’s my people. Dat’s my family, whether dey black, white, red, yellow, or polka dotted, but ta be fair, if you polka dotted, take yoself to da doctor. Anyway, dese people my family and dey my partners’ family, and we ain’t gonna let ya hate on our family. And da rest a Team Douchebag, if y’all standin wit dis monkeyslapper, y’all gonna catch the booty whoopin of da year he gonna get.
Cause dis is da Christmas season, and Santa Hammerstein gonna be handin out fistbumps to da good boys and girls, and booty whoopins to da bad boys and girls, and Hewhohiccups, Joey Eclair, El Matto, and Senor Sam da Douchebag, y’all at da top of my naughty list.