Post by rockstar on Jul 30, 2016 18:47:22 GMT
I was through with standing in lines to clubs I’d never get in, that was what I told myself.
The year was 2008. Elton John had not yet made it big and so the world was crying out for an openly gay musician.
I was going to be that openly gay musician.
It was a tough time to be alive. Nickelback were topping the charts, homophobia could be found on every Myspace page you visited and Canadians had not yet been invented.
I was just a simple stay-at-home Dad who didn’t have any children. I was just a man with an extensive collection of wrestling merchandise trying to get his mixtape heard by the world. People don’t realise how difficult it is to be a white person in the United States of America. Particularly when you have a dope rap album that nobody wants to hear.
Moxie Roxie, she was my jam. This was her early stuff, you understand. Before the pop industry ruined her. That first album – man. So when the OWF was going through its Positive Diversity phase and needed a gay person to hire, I was ecstatic to get a chance to work with some of my heroes. They told me I was the very first person they called after a google search revealed that Freddie Mercury was in fact dead and that David Arquette is a heterosexual.
And so I had a few happy months there, being a professional wrestler. Doing wrestling things. It was all very exciting.
Then it was over.
Gone from the company, released. Out the door.
Poof.
But that’s fine, I told myself. Fame will find me. Someone will notice me.
But they never did. My mixtape never got heard. No other wrestling promotion picked me up. I ended up managing a Burger King in Wyoming. It sounds worse than it was.
And then I got abducted by Space Frogs.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Rockstar presents…
You Can’t Stop Rock & Roll
-------------------------------------------------------------
“Sup.” A frog said to him as he was transported on to a giant space lilypad.
“You’re a frog.” Was the first thing Rockstar could think to say.
“I am. I hear you guys make burgers out of us down there.”
“I wouldn’t know.” Rockstar lied. “But you’re a frog.”
“I mean technically I’m His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn…but you can call me Frank.”
“Frank.” Repeated Rockstar.
“Yes.”
“The Frog.”
“You got it.”
“And we’re in space? You’re frogs in space? Astro-Frogs?”
“Most people just call us Space Frogs but that does have a ring to it.” Frank stroked his chin. Do frogs have chins?
“We’re in space.” Rockstar said again.
“Yes, yes.” Frank waved his hand impatiently. “You’ve sent someone forward in time, I’m a talking space frog. I don’t see why the space thing is an issue.”
“How do you know about that?”
Frank the Frog leaned in closer, and the next words from his elongated tongue sent a chill down Rockstar’s spine.
“We’ve been watching you for a very long time, Michael.”
**
They brought Rockstar before the Space Frog Senate. There were so many of them.
And they all recognised him.
They whispered among themselves, stared at him when they thought he wasn’t looking.
Were they planning to eat him?
Did frogs eat people?
“The man I have brought before you today needs no introduction.” Frank the Frog’s voiced echoed around the chamber.
There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd.
“But I’m going to do it anyway.” Finished Frank. “Frogs and Frogettes, we are gathered here today to celebrate the arrival of the greatest hero in Frog folklore…the icon, the hero, the galactic treasure – ROCKSTAR!”
Rockstar, at Frank’s side, looked one in awe as the senate erupted in thunderous applause.
“ROCKSTAR! ROCKSTAR! ROCKSTAR!” The frogs chanted.
“But how do you all know who I am?” Rockstar asked Frank. “Why do you like me so much?”
“We heard your mixtape, dude.” Frank replied. “So sick.”
Rockstar felt something stir within him. Finally he had found somewhere he belonged, somewhere that appreciated his talents. And sure, maybe it wasn’t his first choice – but it was somewhere. He could finally be at peace.
- 13 Minutes Later –
There was an explosion behind him but Rockstar didn’t waste time, didn’t look back – instead continuing to sprint down the corridor to what he hoped would be the hangar of the giant floating space lilypad.
Man, when you type it out like that it sounds kind of weird.
Nonetheless Rockstar was able to burst through into the hangar just as a spaceship was landing inside it. The gusts from the ship’s propellers blew hot air into his face and a small sheet of paper spiralled up from the hangar floor and hit him in the face. He held it in his hands and looked down on it.
‘Guerreros of Lucha present…Eternal Lucha!’ The headline read.
“Interesting.” He said. But there was no time to waste, he could he the Space Frogs chasing after him down the hallway. Rockstar ran towards the newly-landed ship.
It was his only means of escape.
The year was 2008. Elton John had not yet made it big and so the world was crying out for an openly gay musician.
I was going to be that openly gay musician.
It was a tough time to be alive. Nickelback were topping the charts, homophobia could be found on every Myspace page you visited and Canadians had not yet been invented.
I was just a simple stay-at-home Dad who didn’t have any children. I was just a man with an extensive collection of wrestling merchandise trying to get his mixtape heard by the world. People don’t realise how difficult it is to be a white person in the United States of America. Particularly when you have a dope rap album that nobody wants to hear.
Moxie Roxie, she was my jam. This was her early stuff, you understand. Before the pop industry ruined her. That first album – man. So when the OWF was going through its Positive Diversity phase and needed a gay person to hire, I was ecstatic to get a chance to work with some of my heroes. They told me I was the very first person they called after a google search revealed that Freddie Mercury was in fact dead and that David Arquette is a heterosexual.
And so I had a few happy months there, being a professional wrestler. Doing wrestling things. It was all very exciting.
Then it was over.
Gone from the company, released. Out the door.
Poof.
But that’s fine, I told myself. Fame will find me. Someone will notice me.
But they never did. My mixtape never got heard. No other wrestling promotion picked me up. I ended up managing a Burger King in Wyoming. It sounds worse than it was.
And then I got abducted by Space Frogs.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Rockstar presents…
You Can’t Stop Rock & Roll
-------------------------------------------------------------
“Sup.” A frog said to him as he was transported on to a giant space lilypad.
“You’re a frog.” Was the first thing Rockstar could think to say.
“I am. I hear you guys make burgers out of us down there.”
“I wouldn’t know.” Rockstar lied. “But you’re a frog.”
“I mean technically I’m His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn…but you can call me Frank.”
“Frank.” Repeated Rockstar.
“Yes.”
“The Frog.”
“You got it.”
“And we’re in space? You’re frogs in space? Astro-Frogs?”
“Most people just call us Space Frogs but that does have a ring to it.” Frank stroked his chin. Do frogs have chins?
“We’re in space.” Rockstar said again.
“Yes, yes.” Frank waved his hand impatiently. “You’ve sent someone forward in time, I’m a talking space frog. I don’t see why the space thing is an issue.”
“How do you know about that?”
Frank the Frog leaned in closer, and the next words from his elongated tongue sent a chill down Rockstar’s spine.
“We’ve been watching you for a very long time, Michael.”
**
They brought Rockstar before the Space Frog Senate. There were so many of them.
And they all recognised him.
They whispered among themselves, stared at him when they thought he wasn’t looking.
Were they planning to eat him?
Did frogs eat people?
“The man I have brought before you today needs no introduction.” Frank the Frog’s voiced echoed around the chamber.
There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd.
“But I’m going to do it anyway.” Finished Frank. “Frogs and Frogettes, we are gathered here today to celebrate the arrival of the greatest hero in Frog folklore…the icon, the hero, the galactic treasure – ROCKSTAR!”
Rockstar, at Frank’s side, looked one in awe as the senate erupted in thunderous applause.
“ROCKSTAR! ROCKSTAR! ROCKSTAR!” The frogs chanted.
“But how do you all know who I am?” Rockstar asked Frank. “Why do you like me so much?”
“We heard your mixtape, dude.” Frank replied. “So sick.”
Rockstar felt something stir within him. Finally he had found somewhere he belonged, somewhere that appreciated his talents. And sure, maybe it wasn’t his first choice – but it was somewhere. He could finally be at peace.
- 13 Minutes Later –
There was an explosion behind him but Rockstar didn’t waste time, didn’t look back – instead continuing to sprint down the corridor to what he hoped would be the hangar of the giant floating space lilypad.
Man, when you type it out like that it sounds kind of weird.
Nonetheless Rockstar was able to burst through into the hangar just as a spaceship was landing inside it. The gusts from the ship’s propellers blew hot air into his face and a small sheet of paper spiralled up from the hangar floor and hit him in the face. He held it in his hands and looked down on it.
‘Guerreros of Lucha present…Eternal Lucha!’ The headline read.
“Interesting.” He said. But there was no time to waste, he could he the Space Frogs chasing after him down the hallway. Rockstar ran towards the newly-landed ship.
It was his only means of escape.