Post by eliastazul on Jul 30, 2016 14:27:44 GMT
Elias T. Azul
A man who has abandoned his home promotion in the midst of their World Tour in order to participate in an event. A man drawn across promotions by one word.
Lucha.
Even now, even after all this time, the word still means something to him.
Many months ago, Iceland’s premier luchador suffered a severe head injury that has left him with crippling amnesia. He has become naïve, childlike – serving the very enemies he once vowed to defeat.
The story of Elias T. Azul is a sad one, but it’s a story that must be told.
Everything I’m about to tell you is completely true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Elias T. Azul presents…
Guerrero of Lucha
------------------------------------------------------------
PREVIOUSLY ON THE ADVENTURES OF EL TOCINO AZUL
While touring Mexico in 2013, OWF superstar Greg Jackson accidentally humiliated and attacked famous Mexican luchador El Terrifico in what was, he claimed, a case of mistaken identity. Jackson, in his paranoia, believed the legendary El Terrifico to be an enemy of his and so beat him to the ground – tearing off his mask.
As we all know, to be unmasked as a luchador is the greatest of humiliations and for a young Icelandic lucha fanatic by the name of Edgar Magnusson it proved too much to bear. Edgar loved lucha more than anything and he loved El Terrifico more than any other luchador. Any other person. “El Terrifico, Eidur Gudjohnsen and Jesus” He’d always said. “In that order.”
“This will not stand.” Edgar had said, staring at the computer screen with dismay as he learned the news. “I must avenge El Terrifico. I must destroy Greg Jackson.”
And so he recruited his friend, Olaf Sigurdsson. Olaf owned a plane. This may seem convenient to you, this may seem like poor writing – but I assure you that everyone in Iceland has a plane. And so Olaf flew his friend across the Atlantic in the name of revenge. But what they did not prepare for, what they couldn’t possibly have known, was that planes require fuel to sustain their flight and so the plane plummeted into the sea.
Olaf was gone, presumably forever. But Edgar was able to escape using an empty packet of Doritos as a parachute landing in a tiny fishing village on the East coast of Mexico.
It was here that he met El Terrifico. Unmasked, he had retreated to this backwater with his family to live out the rest of his days in shame. Edgar was able to persuade the former El Terrifico to train him in the art of Lucha. El Terrifico agreed so long as Edgar swore to avenge him, to travel to the United States and defeat Greg Jackson. Since this had been Edgar’s plan all along anyway, he had no problem with this and so when his training was complete, he travelled to the United States where El Terrifico was able to secure him a place in the Outsider Wrestling Federation’s annual Quest for the Best tournament, which would feature Greg Jackson.
Keen that no one guess his purpose nor his affiliation with El Terrifico, Edgar decided to don a mask and adopt the name of El Tocino Azul. Under this moniker, he had success, pushing through the tournament with a series of upset victories but he was knocked out before he could come face to face with Greg Jackson.
However, he had done enough to ensure a permanent position on the OWF roster and would go on to enjoy a series of adventures both inside and outside the ring.
But what he didn’t know was that his friend Olaf had survived. Olaf had always had strange theories about his place in the world and following the plane accident they became stranger still. Adopting the name of The Epilogue, he became convinced that he was little more than a character in a poorly-written piece of fiction and that his sole purpose in existence was to defeat the hero of the story – El Tocino Azul. And so he set about manipulating him from behind the scenes.
In the meantime, Azul had aligned himself with a talented manager in London’s ninety-fourth most famous former jobber Tyrone Gibson, he would go on to have a brief stint as a hitman for the Serbian mob and hosted a popular Japanese game show before being tricked by The Epilogue into travelling into a parallel universe where he accidentally sparked what would become a centuries long conflict between the United States and Canada before being rescued by an old man driving a DeLorean. He would also uncover the truth about both 9/11 and the Kennedy Assassination (Jackie was the second shooter) before defeating the reanimated corpse of Jackie Kennedy after Tyrone crashed a spaceship into her.
Around this time, and I really must stress that all of this is completely true, a transdimensional portal opened up in the apartment of Las Vegas wrestler Specter, a man whom Tocino had previously tried to assassinate for the aforementioned Serbians, and an army of Tocinos came flooding out. This was an inconvenience for Specter, who found his usual life of drugs and debauchery interrupted by Japanese Maid Tocino and Signpost Tocino amongst several hundred others milling around his apartment. Dark Tocino, a grittier version of our hero, teamed up with El Tocino Azul to solve the problem and close the portal forever. The Epilogue arrived with his army of henchmen with overly elaborate backstories (We won’t get into that now) and was defeated, he too was sucked into the void.
Then Dark Tocino betrayed ETA and sent him into the portal. Dark Tocino proceeded to assume the identity of El Tocino Azul, quickly becoming the violent Violencia and doing violent things as part of a violent group of violence known as the Violent Society.
El Tocino Azul, on the other hand, was reincarnated as a teaspoon. In 1973.
Some forty-two years later El Tocino Azul was found by Tyrone and Tocino’s on-again, off-again love interest Helen Gunnarsson. They escaped a mental facility with the help of a conveniently placed trampoline while being pursued by George W. Bush and fled to a South American country you’ve never heard of while seeking to return Azul to his human state. They helped quell a zombie uprising there as well as containing a potential infestation in the United States to an unimportant town in Iowa. Do not visit Sulphur Springs, Iowa. Ever.
Eventually he was returned to human form by the Father of Modern Defecation, the Leader of SOPWHOP (The Society of People Who Poop) Michael O’Neill who performed the ceremony of the Holy Shit to return Tocino to his original state. El Tocino Azul would then proceed to face Greg Jackson in the battle he’d waited for his whole career. Only to lose.
Perhaps the loss was too much for his psyche to bear or perhaps Greg Jackson’s Superior Kick proved too painful for his brain to handle but El Tocino Azul was never the same. When he returned to television screens, he was Elias T. Azul – a man with no memory of his past. New entrance music and everything, dude. Elias proceeded to find himself indoctrinated into Greg Jackson’s group ‘The Glitterati’ becoming a protégé of sorts.
And now he must represent the man he once vowed to defeat at Eternal Lucha.
It was Azul’s idea. The word Lucha still means something to him.
Perhaps, in his heart, Elias remains a luchador.
Perhaps one day we’ll see El Tocino Azul again.
***
Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all.
The voice in Elias’ head was growing louder. Fluffles the tiny dinosaur, that was his name.
Rip them apart. Tear their digestive systems out and force them to eat it – they won’t be able to digest it, it’s diabolical.
Fluffles began laughing maniacally from inside Elias’ skull. His plans of murder were interrupted, however, when Tyrone’s spaceship gave a shuddering jolt.
“I like bunnies!” Exclaimed Elias, all of his plans of murder disappearing…for now.
Tyrone has a spaceship, of course. It’s not a great one by any means, it’s a 1970s model – gifted to him by a former London aristocrat hiding out on the Jungle Moon of Enwindo whom Tyrone once encountered. Tyrone would use the spaceship to help Tocino defeat the reanimated corpse of Jackie Kennedy by crashing into her in a Virginia graveyard. However due to the rather strict motoring laws of the state of Virginia and indeed the wider United States regarding spaceships, Tyrone really hasn’t had much use for it since. So he was understandably delighted when he got the opportunity to give it a whirl. He just hopes they don’t run out of fuel. The nearest fuel station is several thousand light years away.
“Where are we going?” asked Elias, from the co-pilot chair.
“WE’RE IN SPACE!” Exclaimed Drake Munday, from his lap.
Perhaps I should explain who exactly Drake Munday is. Drake Munday is a young and somewhat talented professional wrestler. Drake Munday is handsome. Drake Munday is naïve. Drake Munday is from the year 2008. Eight years ago a disgruntled fellow employee by the name of Rockstar tricked Drake into being sucked through a wormhole into the distant future of 2016, where he found himself pulled into Elias’ circle of misfit friends.
“Yes we are.” Tyrone replied through gritted teeth.
“NO, BUT…” Drake continued to panic. “WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS WEIRD?”
Tyrone shrugged “This kind of thing really happens to us all the time.”
“Ovaries.” Agreed Elias.
“But why are we in space?” Drake asked.
“We’re going to find Rockstar.” Tyrone replies.
“The guy who sent me into the future?” Drake asked. “Why won’t you let me see what future me is getting up to, anyway?”
Tyrone hesitated. Tyrone had been particularly keen to ensure 2008 Drake Munday didn’t hear anything about his future self because his future self wasn’t exactly the naïve and trusting kid he’d been eight years ago. 2016 Drake Munday was the masked Redemption, one of the most dominant OWF World Champions in history and a super scary dude. Kidnapping the families of his opponents, playing mind games like no other and utilising brutal tactics in the ring to dismember opponents. Tyrone could deal with Drake. Drake was okay. Redemption, on the other hand, was a sadistic and potentially murderous psychopath.
“Hey…” Tyrone said hesitantly. “Isn’t it kind of weird how we’re in space, Drake?”
“RIGHT?” Drake replied.
“Where are we going?” Elias asked.
“We’re finding Rockstar, Elias.” Tyrone was grateful for the opportunity to talk about something else. “He’s been captured by the Space Frogs.”
“Space Frogs?” Drake asked incredulously.
“You time travelled. You literally time travelled.” Snaps Tyrone. “And you’re concerned about Space Frogs? You’re in the future, why can’t we have Space Frogs?”
“Yeah but…” Drake was unconvinced. “Space Frogs? It’s 2016, not 1980. At least put something cool in space. What are frogs even doing out here?”
“Well to tell you the truth, no one knows. But I have my own theory.” Tyrone began. “I think they’re cord cutters or something. Lurking on the edge of the solar system, stealing our cable shows.”
“Right.” Drake nodded slowly while his eyes searched for an emergency eject button. “And why do you think Rockstar is with them? Is he a Space Frog too?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Tyrone snorted. “But I googled him and he’s been off the radar for a few years, so the only logical conclusion is that he’s been kidnapped by Space Frogs.”
“Look.” Elias closed his eyes and pointed in the wrong direction. “We’re here.”
The spaceship was approaching a giant, floating structure in space. It was made of metal or whatever the fuck they make spaceships out of, but it was shaped like a lilypad.
“Oh my god, it’s real.” Breathed Drake.
“This is Tyrone Gibson, requesting permission to board.” Tyrone spoke into the communicator.
**
His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn leapt into the control room.
Every frog jumped to attention.
“Ribbit.” They all said in unison, saluting him.
He waved them away with a dismissive hand. His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn had no time for this. And I have no time for his formal and full title and so I will merely use his birth name from henceforth. Frank the Frog.
Frank the Frog gazed out into the infinite cosmos. The sun was so far away it could be covered with a thumb, but frogs do not have thumbs. A tiny spaceship rattled towards them, requesting clearance.
“That ship.” Frank the Frog boomed. “Do they have a code clearance?”
A Frog Admiral appeared at his side. “It’s an older code, sir, but it checks out…I was about to clear them.”
“Aight, fuck it, let them in.” Frank said. “YOLO.”
**
“They’re letting us in?” Drake asked.
“Damn right they are.” Tyrone smiled with satisfaction. “Ain’t nobody saying no to Tyrone.”
“Eight.” Elias said solemnly.
“Sup guys.” Said Rockstar. “It’s a little cramped in here.”
Drake and Tyrone turned around, looking shocked.
“Rockstar?” Drake narrowed his eyes. “I’m not sure we’re friends anymore. You sent me to a dark future without David Bowie in it.”
“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?” Yelled Tyrone.
“The door was unlocked.” Rockstar shrugged. “We should probably get out of here before the Space Frogs start shooting at us.”
It was at this moment that the Space Frogs began shooting at them.
“Fuck.” Said Rockstar.
“Bugger” Added Tyrone.
“Balls.” Drake groaned.
“Teenage Mutant Lizard Rabbits.” Said Elias.
A man who has abandoned his home promotion in the midst of their World Tour in order to participate in an event. A man drawn across promotions by one word.
Lucha.
Even now, even after all this time, the word still means something to him.
Many months ago, Iceland’s premier luchador suffered a severe head injury that has left him with crippling amnesia. He has become naïve, childlike – serving the very enemies he once vowed to defeat.
The story of Elias T. Azul is a sad one, but it’s a story that must be told.
Everything I’m about to tell you is completely true.
-----------------------------------------------------
Elias T. Azul presents…
Guerrero of Lucha
------------------------------------------------------------
PREVIOUSLY ON THE ADVENTURES OF EL TOCINO AZUL
While touring Mexico in 2013, OWF superstar Greg Jackson accidentally humiliated and attacked famous Mexican luchador El Terrifico in what was, he claimed, a case of mistaken identity. Jackson, in his paranoia, believed the legendary El Terrifico to be an enemy of his and so beat him to the ground – tearing off his mask.
As we all know, to be unmasked as a luchador is the greatest of humiliations and for a young Icelandic lucha fanatic by the name of Edgar Magnusson it proved too much to bear. Edgar loved lucha more than anything and he loved El Terrifico more than any other luchador. Any other person. “El Terrifico, Eidur Gudjohnsen and Jesus” He’d always said. “In that order.”
“This will not stand.” Edgar had said, staring at the computer screen with dismay as he learned the news. “I must avenge El Terrifico. I must destroy Greg Jackson.”
And so he recruited his friend, Olaf Sigurdsson. Olaf owned a plane. This may seem convenient to you, this may seem like poor writing – but I assure you that everyone in Iceland has a plane. And so Olaf flew his friend across the Atlantic in the name of revenge. But what they did not prepare for, what they couldn’t possibly have known, was that planes require fuel to sustain their flight and so the plane plummeted into the sea.
Olaf was gone, presumably forever. But Edgar was able to escape using an empty packet of Doritos as a parachute landing in a tiny fishing village on the East coast of Mexico.
It was here that he met El Terrifico. Unmasked, he had retreated to this backwater with his family to live out the rest of his days in shame. Edgar was able to persuade the former El Terrifico to train him in the art of Lucha. El Terrifico agreed so long as Edgar swore to avenge him, to travel to the United States and defeat Greg Jackson. Since this had been Edgar’s plan all along anyway, he had no problem with this and so when his training was complete, he travelled to the United States where El Terrifico was able to secure him a place in the Outsider Wrestling Federation’s annual Quest for the Best tournament, which would feature Greg Jackson.
Keen that no one guess his purpose nor his affiliation with El Terrifico, Edgar decided to don a mask and adopt the name of El Tocino Azul. Under this moniker, he had success, pushing through the tournament with a series of upset victories but he was knocked out before he could come face to face with Greg Jackson.
However, he had done enough to ensure a permanent position on the OWF roster and would go on to enjoy a series of adventures both inside and outside the ring.
But what he didn’t know was that his friend Olaf had survived. Olaf had always had strange theories about his place in the world and following the plane accident they became stranger still. Adopting the name of The Epilogue, he became convinced that he was little more than a character in a poorly-written piece of fiction and that his sole purpose in existence was to defeat the hero of the story – El Tocino Azul. And so he set about manipulating him from behind the scenes.
In the meantime, Azul had aligned himself with a talented manager in London’s ninety-fourth most famous former jobber Tyrone Gibson, he would go on to have a brief stint as a hitman for the Serbian mob and hosted a popular Japanese game show before being tricked by The Epilogue into travelling into a parallel universe where he accidentally sparked what would become a centuries long conflict between the United States and Canada before being rescued by an old man driving a DeLorean. He would also uncover the truth about both 9/11 and the Kennedy Assassination (Jackie was the second shooter) before defeating the reanimated corpse of Jackie Kennedy after Tyrone crashed a spaceship into her.
Around this time, and I really must stress that all of this is completely true, a transdimensional portal opened up in the apartment of Las Vegas wrestler Specter, a man whom Tocino had previously tried to assassinate for the aforementioned Serbians, and an army of Tocinos came flooding out. This was an inconvenience for Specter, who found his usual life of drugs and debauchery interrupted by Japanese Maid Tocino and Signpost Tocino amongst several hundred others milling around his apartment. Dark Tocino, a grittier version of our hero, teamed up with El Tocino Azul to solve the problem and close the portal forever. The Epilogue arrived with his army of henchmen with overly elaborate backstories (We won’t get into that now) and was defeated, he too was sucked into the void.
Then Dark Tocino betrayed ETA and sent him into the portal. Dark Tocino proceeded to assume the identity of El Tocino Azul, quickly becoming the violent Violencia and doing violent things as part of a violent group of violence known as the Violent Society.
El Tocino Azul, on the other hand, was reincarnated as a teaspoon. In 1973.
Some forty-two years later El Tocino Azul was found by Tyrone and Tocino’s on-again, off-again love interest Helen Gunnarsson. They escaped a mental facility with the help of a conveniently placed trampoline while being pursued by George W. Bush and fled to a South American country you’ve never heard of while seeking to return Azul to his human state. They helped quell a zombie uprising there as well as containing a potential infestation in the United States to an unimportant town in Iowa. Do not visit Sulphur Springs, Iowa. Ever.
Eventually he was returned to human form by the Father of Modern Defecation, the Leader of SOPWHOP (The Society of People Who Poop) Michael O’Neill who performed the ceremony of the Holy Shit to return Tocino to his original state. El Tocino Azul would then proceed to face Greg Jackson in the battle he’d waited for his whole career. Only to lose.
Perhaps the loss was too much for his psyche to bear or perhaps Greg Jackson’s Superior Kick proved too painful for his brain to handle but El Tocino Azul was never the same. When he returned to television screens, he was Elias T. Azul – a man with no memory of his past. New entrance music and everything, dude. Elias proceeded to find himself indoctrinated into Greg Jackson’s group ‘The Glitterati’ becoming a protégé of sorts.
And now he must represent the man he once vowed to defeat at Eternal Lucha.
It was Azul’s idea. The word Lucha still means something to him.
Perhaps, in his heart, Elias remains a luchador.
Perhaps one day we’ll see El Tocino Azul again.
***
Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all.
The voice in Elias’ head was growing louder. Fluffles the tiny dinosaur, that was his name.
Rip them apart. Tear their digestive systems out and force them to eat it – they won’t be able to digest it, it’s diabolical.
Fluffles began laughing maniacally from inside Elias’ skull. His plans of murder were interrupted, however, when Tyrone’s spaceship gave a shuddering jolt.
“I like bunnies!” Exclaimed Elias, all of his plans of murder disappearing…for now.
Tyrone has a spaceship, of course. It’s not a great one by any means, it’s a 1970s model – gifted to him by a former London aristocrat hiding out on the Jungle Moon of Enwindo whom Tyrone once encountered. Tyrone would use the spaceship to help Tocino defeat the reanimated corpse of Jackie Kennedy by crashing into her in a Virginia graveyard. However due to the rather strict motoring laws of the state of Virginia and indeed the wider United States regarding spaceships, Tyrone really hasn’t had much use for it since. So he was understandably delighted when he got the opportunity to give it a whirl. He just hopes they don’t run out of fuel. The nearest fuel station is several thousand light years away.
“Where are we going?” asked Elias, from the co-pilot chair.
“WE’RE IN SPACE!” Exclaimed Drake Munday, from his lap.
Perhaps I should explain who exactly Drake Munday is. Drake Munday is a young and somewhat talented professional wrestler. Drake Munday is handsome. Drake Munday is naïve. Drake Munday is from the year 2008. Eight years ago a disgruntled fellow employee by the name of Rockstar tricked Drake into being sucked through a wormhole into the distant future of 2016, where he found himself pulled into Elias’ circle of misfit friends.
“Yes we are.” Tyrone replied through gritted teeth.
“NO, BUT…” Drake continued to panic. “WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS WEIRD?”
Tyrone shrugged “This kind of thing really happens to us all the time.”
“Ovaries.” Agreed Elias.
“But why are we in space?” Drake asked.
“We’re going to find Rockstar.” Tyrone replies.
“The guy who sent me into the future?” Drake asked. “Why won’t you let me see what future me is getting up to, anyway?”
Tyrone hesitated. Tyrone had been particularly keen to ensure 2008 Drake Munday didn’t hear anything about his future self because his future self wasn’t exactly the naïve and trusting kid he’d been eight years ago. 2016 Drake Munday was the masked Redemption, one of the most dominant OWF World Champions in history and a super scary dude. Kidnapping the families of his opponents, playing mind games like no other and utilising brutal tactics in the ring to dismember opponents. Tyrone could deal with Drake. Drake was okay. Redemption, on the other hand, was a sadistic and potentially murderous psychopath.
“Hey…” Tyrone said hesitantly. “Isn’t it kind of weird how we’re in space, Drake?”
“RIGHT?” Drake replied.
“Where are we going?” Elias asked.
“We’re finding Rockstar, Elias.” Tyrone was grateful for the opportunity to talk about something else. “He’s been captured by the Space Frogs.”
“Space Frogs?” Drake asked incredulously.
“You time travelled. You literally time travelled.” Snaps Tyrone. “And you’re concerned about Space Frogs? You’re in the future, why can’t we have Space Frogs?”
“Yeah but…” Drake was unconvinced. “Space Frogs? It’s 2016, not 1980. At least put something cool in space. What are frogs even doing out here?”
“Well to tell you the truth, no one knows. But I have my own theory.” Tyrone began. “I think they’re cord cutters or something. Lurking on the edge of the solar system, stealing our cable shows.”
“Right.” Drake nodded slowly while his eyes searched for an emergency eject button. “And why do you think Rockstar is with them? Is he a Space Frog too?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Tyrone snorted. “But I googled him and he’s been off the radar for a few years, so the only logical conclusion is that he’s been kidnapped by Space Frogs.”
“Look.” Elias closed his eyes and pointed in the wrong direction. “We’re here.”
The spaceship was approaching a giant, floating structure in space. It was made of metal or whatever the fuck they make spaceships out of, but it was shaped like a lilypad.
“Oh my god, it’s real.” Breathed Drake.
“This is Tyrone Gibson, requesting permission to board.” Tyrone spoke into the communicator.
**
His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn leapt into the control room.
Every frog jumped to attention.
“Ribbit.” They all said in unison, saluting him.
He waved them away with a dismissive hand. His Holy Amphibiousness, The Grand Frog and Master Toad of The Infinite Realms of Space, Emperor of Pondkind and Eternal Blessed Protector of The Sacred Spawn had no time for this. And I have no time for his formal and full title and so I will merely use his birth name from henceforth. Frank the Frog.
Frank the Frog gazed out into the infinite cosmos. The sun was so far away it could be covered with a thumb, but frogs do not have thumbs. A tiny spaceship rattled towards them, requesting clearance.
“That ship.” Frank the Frog boomed. “Do they have a code clearance?”
A Frog Admiral appeared at his side. “It’s an older code, sir, but it checks out…I was about to clear them.”
“Aight, fuck it, let them in.” Frank said. “YOLO.”
**
“They’re letting us in?” Drake asked.
“Damn right they are.” Tyrone smiled with satisfaction. “Ain’t nobody saying no to Tyrone.”
“Eight.” Elias said solemnly.
“Sup guys.” Said Rockstar. “It’s a little cramped in here.”
Drake and Tyrone turned around, looking shocked.
“Rockstar?” Drake narrowed his eyes. “I’m not sure we’re friends anymore. You sent me to a dark future without David Bowie in it.”
“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?” Yelled Tyrone.
“The door was unlocked.” Rockstar shrugged. “We should probably get out of here before the Space Frogs start shooting at us.”
It was at this moment that the Space Frogs began shooting at them.
“Fuck.” Said Rockstar.
“Bugger” Added Tyrone.
“Balls.” Drake groaned.
“Teenage Mutant Lizard Rabbits.” Said Elias.