Post by La Cucaracha on Jun 26, 2016 3:41:15 GMT
A Pollo Bucket commercial cuts to static, and then to a dimly lit bunker with a stylized cockroach insignia spray-painted on a concrete wall. La Cucaracha steps into the frame, clad in her wrestling gear and purple domino mask. She addresses the camera.
La Cucaracha: I always wanted my own tiger-skin rug. Y'know, something nice to put on the floor of my log cabin, way the fuck up in the Rockies, where I retire to contemplate the mysteries of life and snort Swiss Miss packets. You're gonna be that rug, Tiger Mask Red, except instead of being a tiger, you're actually gonna be a man-skin rug in a tiger mask. If that doesn't scare off potential mountain raiders, I don't know what will.
Since I hatched onto the scene a few months ago, you've popped up everywhere I go. Well, mostly just GoL, Pollomania, and Twitter, but that's still enough for me. You've been in the game a while. You've got credentials. You've got accolades. You apparently know the secret of the Hadouken. Don't think I'm not impressed. But to be fair, I'm impressed by central heating and air. Pop-Tarts baffle me. I might not be the best gauge for how truly awesome something is.
But all that aside, you're an asshole in the grand wrestling tradition of masked assholes. By behaving like a self-serving, underhanded piece of absolute human garbage, you make it that much harder for those of us who wear masks for the sake of merchandising, and who only want to see our name and likeness plastered across as many shirts, cups, and feminine hygiene products as possible. That's what I strive for, Tiger, and you're a threat to that.
Don't think I haven't heard the rumors of your "retirement." Yeah, I'm saying that in air quotes. I know a carny hustle when I see one, but I'm not some rube. You're gonna pull some Gandalf shit and come back as Tiger Mask White. Not just to get out of retiring, but because you know how much racial tension is brewing with the upcoming American presidential election. But white supremacy, Tiger? We all expected better.
And speaking of our respective causes, how are the tigers doing under your watch, Masky? Last I heard, they're still endangered. Turns out your success in the ring hasn't been the best thing for them. Meanwhile, the cockroaches are fucking killing it. They're even on course to replace humanity as the dominant species on the planet, following the next extinction level event. Not bad for household pest. But that's what we roaches do. We don't just survive. We thrive. My first match here was an exploding cage match. Which I lost, but the lessons I took away from it still serve me to this day: For instance, if a company books you in an exploding cage match, threaten to quit.
But if this ends up being your last match, Tiger, well, I gotta be honest. I always thought you were a dick and I'm going to take full credit for retiring you. Look at it from my point of view: this is going to make my stock skyrocket. I'm gonna be a goddamn hero. And when you're enjoying the basket of assorted fruit snacks I send you as a retirement gift, and you bite into that Gusher, you're going to say to yourself, "La Cucaracha was right. She's the best wrestler ever. I suck and am an asshole. She would've beaten me anyway."
Agreed, dude. Agreed.
La Cucaracha reaches to the screen, presumably flipping the camera off. As the camera topples, the feed cuts back to the Pollo Bucket advert.
La Cucaracha: I always wanted my own tiger-skin rug. Y'know, something nice to put on the floor of my log cabin, way the fuck up in the Rockies, where I retire to contemplate the mysteries of life and snort Swiss Miss packets. You're gonna be that rug, Tiger Mask Red, except instead of being a tiger, you're actually gonna be a man-skin rug in a tiger mask. If that doesn't scare off potential mountain raiders, I don't know what will.
Since I hatched onto the scene a few months ago, you've popped up everywhere I go. Well, mostly just GoL, Pollomania, and Twitter, but that's still enough for me. You've been in the game a while. You've got credentials. You've got accolades. You apparently know the secret of the Hadouken. Don't think I'm not impressed. But to be fair, I'm impressed by central heating and air. Pop-Tarts baffle me. I might not be the best gauge for how truly awesome something is.
But all that aside, you're an asshole in the grand wrestling tradition of masked assholes. By behaving like a self-serving, underhanded piece of absolute human garbage, you make it that much harder for those of us who wear masks for the sake of merchandising, and who only want to see our name and likeness plastered across as many shirts, cups, and feminine hygiene products as possible. That's what I strive for, Tiger, and you're a threat to that.
Don't think I haven't heard the rumors of your "retirement." Yeah, I'm saying that in air quotes. I know a carny hustle when I see one, but I'm not some rube. You're gonna pull some Gandalf shit and come back as Tiger Mask White. Not just to get out of retiring, but because you know how much racial tension is brewing with the upcoming American presidential election. But white supremacy, Tiger? We all expected better.
And speaking of our respective causes, how are the tigers doing under your watch, Masky? Last I heard, they're still endangered. Turns out your success in the ring hasn't been the best thing for them. Meanwhile, the cockroaches are fucking killing it. They're even on course to replace humanity as the dominant species on the planet, following the next extinction level event. Not bad for household pest. But that's what we roaches do. We don't just survive. We thrive. My first match here was an exploding cage match. Which I lost, but the lessons I took away from it still serve me to this day: For instance, if a company books you in an exploding cage match, threaten to quit.
But if this ends up being your last match, Tiger, well, I gotta be honest. I always thought you were a dick and I'm going to take full credit for retiring you. Look at it from my point of view: this is going to make my stock skyrocket. I'm gonna be a goddamn hero. And when you're enjoying the basket of assorted fruit snacks I send you as a retirement gift, and you bite into that Gusher, you're going to say to yourself, "La Cucaracha was right. She's the best wrestler ever. I suck and am an asshole. She would've beaten me anyway."
Agreed, dude. Agreed.
La Cucaracha reaches to the screen, presumably flipping the camera off. As the camera topples, the feed cuts back to the Pollo Bucket advert.