Post by Senior Awesomeo on May 22, 2016 22:18:47 GMT
~15 Years Ago In Mexico City~
(No mommy......I don't want to wear the Cookie Monster shirt, I like Big Bird more......you can't make me........no.....no......nonononono AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Oh my God......just a dream and fuck my head hurts.......why does my head hurt and why does my mouth taste salty with a hint of sadness and a dash of regret. Ok Kurt just open your eyes and see where you landed up this time. Hopefully it's not in a bathtub filled with ice with your kidney removed again. Because I'll be totally fucked if I lost my second kidney......or am I thinking of another origin where there's two of them........what ever, I just have to get up and see where I'm at.)
(Getting a feel of my surroundings and I can already tell I'm naked. Which means I fucked someone or that I lost my cloths in a card game. Also have a huge headache so which means I drank, and since last night is a total haze it must had been tequila. Hopefully I didn't drink the worm this time. Further more, I'm slouched over something.......furry with a fat ass. Please tell me I'm not cuddling with a fat dude......again.)
(Do I really want to wake up?)
(Not really but I'd rather start this walk of shame now while everyone is sleeping than when they're awake. So opening up my eyes, the shock and horror on my face is worthy of being on Americans Funnest Home Videos as I find myself balls deep in a donkey in the middle of the desert. I quickly look around to see if anyone is looking at me......then I do a quick double take to see if my cloths are around. I do one more look around to see if the donkey that I'm in is a girl or a dude aaaaaaaannnnd it's a dude.)
(Great.)
(Well that would explain the salty taste in my mouth. I just did a donkey show in Mexico and I didn't get paid for. So no cloths.....no money......and no idea where I'm at.......seems like a typical Wednesday for me.)
(Fuck man.)
(Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Drunk and waking up inside of animals while wrestling in shitty matches because I drink to God damn much? Next time it'll probably be a chicken. I need to get out of Mexico because if I don't, I'm going to die here in less than a year.)
(Alright........time to make a change in life. Get out of Mexico, never touch tequila again, get back to the states and continue my wrestling training,and stop fucking donkeys! Seems like a good start with the new Kurt Newman! But first, I need to figure out how to get out of this situation. I guess the first thing to do is to get Kurt Jr. out of this asses ass.)
(Well it must had heard me because The donkey turns its head and looks strait at me. What the hell am I supposed to say or even do. I feel like I should give it some money for cab fare at least......then I remember that it's a fucking donkey.......so slowly pulling out I look right back at the donkey as I try to figure what to do with my life.)
~Present Day Chicago, Illinois~
(Ok.....been wearing this fucking mask now for almost two weeks and the damn thing won't come off. Fuck! Don't know if the damn thing shrank on my head or if there's fucking super glue in the damn thing but I can't not get it off. I've tried everything I can to get it off but it just....won't....get.....off! Worst thing is that I didn't wash it before putting it on. Like a dumbass I pulled it from Papa Nurvy's old wrestling trunk and put it on. Smells like old baby oil and pretty sure it had lice in it because my head has been itchy ever since I put it over my head.)
(I pull like crazy on the mask to get it off but it just won't get off. I really want to cut it off but I need it for this pay per view with Guerrero. Thought it'd be cool to play the part of a Lucha wrestler.....and for me to be a Lucha wrestler I need a mask. Plus, it's my dad's old mask and I sure he'd break my back if he saw one of his old masks damaged.)
(So I'm pulling.....and pulling.....and pulling some more until I turn around and boom! Camera crew. All set up and ready to go. No idea how long they've been there and no idea how long they've been recording. They're so sneaky at times.)
(Cooly and calmly, I take my hands off the mask and put them on the side of my body as I show off my million dollar smile to the camera. Alrighty Kurt, let's get this thing going. So with the that, I begin to speak.)
Kurt Newman: "Hey there friendos! Kurt Newman here.....or should I say Senior Awesomeo here representing NJFC.....and most importantly.....the Wrestling Kingdom. And you know........"
(Then it hits me. I'm with the Wrestling Kingdom. I'm with Jason and Tara Davidson. I'm with Julian Savell. Those guys, they don't act like me. They act professional. They act like they are the best. They don't make the stupid fart jokes that your use to. This isn't the Micky Mouse days any more where its laughter and smiles all around. It's time to act serious. It's time Kurt......to be yourself.)
Kurt Newman: ".......when I first saw the card for WAR......I was ticked off that I didn't see my name on the main event. Hell, I didn't even see my name on the card. I was later told I was going to be part of this Battle Royale where who ever wins becomes the first number one contender for the Gol Rey De Reyes title. No idea what a Gol Rey is but it sounds Mexican. But still.....you have someone with my name and my caliber and yet where the hell is my name? Kurt Newman is a name that draws in eyes and money and by not putting my name on that card both companies will be losing money and viewership because of it. But don't worry......I'm doing everything that I can to promote this pay per view and put my name out there so that we can still get a good crowd. But enough about me.....lets talk about this pay per view.
WAR! That's the name of the pay per view right? This is supposed to be a war ladies and gentlemen between two Feds! And yet I haven't seen one yet. I haven't seen shots fired! I haven't seen blood shed yet. This pay per view shouldn't be called WAR! This should be called Slappy Hands instead because that's all I've been seeing lately. Already seen a couple of promos up lately on the Guerrero side and when I look into their eyes I don't see that fire. I don't see that want and drive to stand in the opposite side of that ring and kill their opponent for their fed and their country that they're representing.
But then I listened to some of my NJFC family members and I don't see that fire in their eyes either. They see this as just another match. No company pride.....no country pride......just another pay check to spend on crap that they don't need
So who's going to do it huh? Who's going to take that first shot?
(I can't help but grin as I hold up my right hand and point it at the camera like a gun. With a grin on my face, I pull the trigger. The recoil is so fierce that it pulls my hand up towards the sky. I can't help but imagine smoke coming from the barrel of my finger as I look past the smoke and look at the camera.)
Kurt Newman: "Guerrero.....your company is garbage with a roster that belongs in a bingo hall in the middle of nowhere Idaho to a crowd of 50 fat gringos than stand in such a ring in a country and a wrestling style that's legendary for its wrestling. You think you represent Lucha wrestling just because you're part of this organization? Lucha wrestling is about the heart and the soul of the wrestler and the industry. It's about respect and honor......and yet I look at this roster and I don't see any of that. It's a good thing that myself and the NJFC roster is coming over because we'll show you what true Lucha wrestling is all about as we dominate you in each and every match.
I don't know about the rest of the NJFC roster involved in WAR......but I'm ready to fire that first shot. I'm willing to run a knife across some dudes neck and watch as the blood spills down to the mat. I'm ready to strike that match and set that arena on fire and listen to the wood cracking and the screaming of the innocent echoing from the flames. I'm willing to do this all because that's what Guerrero's needs right now. A new fed with so much potential and yet it doesn't have that figure head yet. It doesn't have a champion to lift this company up on its shoulders and lead it to the promise land. It's needs a true champion and ladies and gentlemen......that individual is myself.
And sure......everyone else in this Battle Royale will say the same thing as they hope to get a title shot at the Gol Rey De Reyes title. That they're the best. That they've done this and that they've done that and they beat this dude and retired that guy. They'll list everything that they accomplished and show you a closet full of titles that they've gained over the years. Hell, they might even show you a high light video of all the sick looking moves that they've hit on people and just how tough they really are with pictures of them bloody and barely standing.
And you know what I have to say about all that? Go ahead and waste your time and money on it. Waste your breathe screaming to the masses from on top of your soap box, trying to convince to everyone who the hell you are. Me.......I don't need to tell you who I am. I don't need to tell you what Ive done and what titles I've accumulated over the decades. I know what I can do. The people who know me or have heard of me know what I can do and what I've accomplished in this industry. And if you don't know who the hell I am......you best be doing your homework because if you don't......you're going to be in a world of hurt because you will be stepping in the ring with one of the best.
And I don't say I'm the best in this business just because of what I do in this ring. It's because of what I can do in this ring and out of it. Once I'm committed to a company I'm in it one hundred and ten percent. I put my time, my money, my blood, my bones, my heart and soul into that company and I don't leave until my body is broken and I can't compete any longer.
So ladies and gentlemen......I will walk out of this battle Royale not because I say it's so......it's not because I want a title shot.....my goals are much bigger and much wilder than that. I want to win to make this company great.....and for Guerrero to be great.......Kurt Newman needs to win. And when I win.....and trust me ladies and gentlemen, I will win this tournament because there is no one on the Guerrero roster or the NJFC roster that I can't beat......but when I win I will move on and win the Gol Rey De Reyes title and by doing so I will put this company on my shoulders and lead this company to greatness. I've done it with EWC. I've done it and doing it again with PW:U.....and I'm doing it right now with NJFC."
(Just as I'm about to finish up my promo, Alyssa, my personal escort and eye candy to the ring makes her way into the scene and notices that I still have the mask on my head. Without saying a word and not even looking up from her phone, she easily pulls the mask off my head and tosses it to my chest.)
Alyssa Devine: "There, now you don't look like an idiot any more."
(Shocked and in disbelief, I catch the mask in my hands and stare at it. I quickly look back at Alyssa and then down at the mask again as I'm just stupefied with what just happen. I've been pulling on this damn thing for about two weeks and here she comes and just pulls the damn thing off without breaking a sweat. I must have loosen it up for her right? I had to.)
Kurt Newman: "I must had loosen it up for you."
Alyssa Devine: " What ever helps you sleep at night."
(I can't help but watch as she walks away from me. I could say something but I have better things to do.....like wash this smelly thing....or steam clean it......should ask Papa Nurvy about that.)
Kurt Newman: "I want a war ladies and gentlemen. I don't want a race war. I don't want a drug war. I don't want a Twitter war. I don't want a war of words. I just......want a war. I want blood. I want tears. I want bones to break underneath a persons boot. I want someone to take their enemy and with their bare hands end their career. And when the smoke clears and the noise of the dying dies down.......and when myself and the NJFC roster is left standing......we will write the history books and tell everyone just how this WAR.....was truly won. So many blank pages.......so many ways to tell the story. I think I'll write a chapter for myself as I win this Battle Royale. The end of that chapter?
And there was Kurt......with the Rey De Reyes title in his hands......as he became the new champion for Guerrero of Lucha."
(With that, I give the camera one last grin before walking off to clean the mask.)
~The Next Morning Mexico City~
(Look Papa Nury! I'm riding my bike! I'm doing it! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ...........hmmmmmmm another dream and another headache that's about to cave my head in. Im getting to old for this shit. Now where the hell am I today? I should really write a book about the places that I've woken up to after a night of drinking and partying. I could do a chapter alone about that one time I was spooning with the Pope in the Vatican.)
(Speaking of spooning, I'm being spooned right now......and as I get my bearings and feel around, I notice that I'm the little spoon.....aaaaaaand the big spoon has a really big spoon.......and also hairy......and smells like a barn......and oh my god I'm being spooned by some type of animal.....and knowing my luck it's a fucking donkey.)
(Opening one eye open, I see an empty bottle of tequila right in front of my face. Well that would explain me not remembering what the hell I did last night. That would also explain why I'm lying on a pile of hay in the middle of fucking nowhere. How do I know it's Mexico?.......I don't know and neither does Chris who's been writing this crappy promo that you've been reading. I'm just in Mexico alright.....or maybe it's in LA. They're about the same right?)
(Quickly looking behind me, I find a donkey that's spooning me......and of course I had to look down to see if it was a he or she because I wanted to know if that was a leg up against my butt cheeks or it's junk......and of course it's his junk. I take a deep sigh as I rub my head with my hand as I look back at the donkey.)
Kurt Newman: "You aren't the same donkey I slept with 15 years ago are you?"
Donkey "...................………"
Kurt Newman: "Sorry for never calling back. I was going through a thing and.......well it's complicated. Hope you understand."
Donkey: "......................."
Kurt Newman: "Cool, thanks man. Now ummmmm, you haven't happen to my pants around here have you?"
Donkey: "..............................."
Kurt Newman: "It's not like that. It's just I'm a busy man and I have things to do and if word was to get out that I was fucking a male donkey it'd be..........."
Donkey: " ......................."
Kurt Newman: "Hey, I'm all cool with the LGBT community but intersperse relationships, that's an entire bag of mess I don't want to be apart of..........and why the hell am I having a conversation with you in the first place, you can't even talk."
Donkey: "...................."
Kurt Newman: "Fare enough. Now where are my pants?"
(Well I'm going to leave that there. I find my pants, put them on, and hopefully make it back to my hotel. It's going to be a hot day and I'm going to be working on my tan while I figure out a game plan for this Battle Royale. Hopefully who ever writes it gets my good side and if I win, I promise they'll be a little something, something under his or her pillow when they wake up the next morning.)
Donkey: ".............................."
(No it won't be a half eaten Snickers Bar, now get out of here! Now excuse me folks, I'm going to speed walk my way back to civilization while humming the hits of the Bee Gees. Till next time, this is Kurt Newman....... aka Mr. Awesome, The Man That Puts Awe Into Awesome, Senior Awesomeo, The Man That Fucked Your Sister, your Mom, and your Grandma all at the same time, EWC's Mr. Main Event, and of course.......the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.....signing off. )
Donkey: "End Scene."
(No mommy......I don't want to wear the Cookie Monster shirt, I like Big Bird more......you can't make me........no.....no......nonononono AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Oh my God......just a dream and fuck my head hurts.......why does my head hurt and why does my mouth taste salty with a hint of sadness and a dash of regret. Ok Kurt just open your eyes and see where you landed up this time. Hopefully it's not in a bathtub filled with ice with your kidney removed again. Because I'll be totally fucked if I lost my second kidney......or am I thinking of another origin where there's two of them........what ever, I just have to get up and see where I'm at.)
(Getting a feel of my surroundings and I can already tell I'm naked. Which means I fucked someone or that I lost my cloths in a card game. Also have a huge headache so which means I drank, and since last night is a total haze it must had been tequila. Hopefully I didn't drink the worm this time. Further more, I'm slouched over something.......furry with a fat ass. Please tell me I'm not cuddling with a fat dude......again.)
(Do I really want to wake up?)
(Not really but I'd rather start this walk of shame now while everyone is sleeping than when they're awake. So opening up my eyes, the shock and horror on my face is worthy of being on Americans Funnest Home Videos as I find myself balls deep in a donkey in the middle of the desert. I quickly look around to see if anyone is looking at me......then I do a quick double take to see if my cloths are around. I do one more look around to see if the donkey that I'm in is a girl or a dude aaaaaaaannnnd it's a dude.)
(Great.)
(Well that would explain the salty taste in my mouth. I just did a donkey show in Mexico and I didn't get paid for. So no cloths.....no money......and no idea where I'm at.......seems like a typical Wednesday for me.)
(Fuck man.)
(Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Drunk and waking up inside of animals while wrestling in shitty matches because I drink to God damn much? Next time it'll probably be a chicken. I need to get out of Mexico because if I don't, I'm going to die here in less than a year.)
(Alright........time to make a change in life. Get out of Mexico, never touch tequila again, get back to the states and continue my wrestling training,and stop fucking donkeys! Seems like a good start with the new Kurt Newman! But first, I need to figure out how to get out of this situation. I guess the first thing to do is to get Kurt Jr. out of this asses ass.)
(Well it must had heard me because The donkey turns its head and looks strait at me. What the hell am I supposed to say or even do. I feel like I should give it some money for cab fare at least......then I remember that it's a fucking donkey.......so slowly pulling out I look right back at the donkey as I try to figure what to do with my life.)
~Present Day Chicago, Illinois~
(Ok.....been wearing this fucking mask now for almost two weeks and the damn thing won't come off. Fuck! Don't know if the damn thing shrank on my head or if there's fucking super glue in the damn thing but I can't not get it off. I've tried everything I can to get it off but it just....won't....get.....off! Worst thing is that I didn't wash it before putting it on. Like a dumbass I pulled it from Papa Nurvy's old wrestling trunk and put it on. Smells like old baby oil and pretty sure it had lice in it because my head has been itchy ever since I put it over my head.)
(I pull like crazy on the mask to get it off but it just won't get off. I really want to cut it off but I need it for this pay per view with Guerrero. Thought it'd be cool to play the part of a Lucha wrestler.....and for me to be a Lucha wrestler I need a mask. Plus, it's my dad's old mask and I sure he'd break my back if he saw one of his old masks damaged.)
(So I'm pulling.....and pulling.....and pulling some more until I turn around and boom! Camera crew. All set up and ready to go. No idea how long they've been there and no idea how long they've been recording. They're so sneaky at times.)
(Cooly and calmly, I take my hands off the mask and put them on the side of my body as I show off my million dollar smile to the camera. Alrighty Kurt, let's get this thing going. So with the that, I begin to speak.)
Kurt Newman: "Hey there friendos! Kurt Newman here.....or should I say Senior Awesomeo here representing NJFC.....and most importantly.....the Wrestling Kingdom. And you know........"
(Then it hits me. I'm with the Wrestling Kingdom. I'm with Jason and Tara Davidson. I'm with Julian Savell. Those guys, they don't act like me. They act professional. They act like they are the best. They don't make the stupid fart jokes that your use to. This isn't the Micky Mouse days any more where its laughter and smiles all around. It's time to act serious. It's time Kurt......to be yourself.)
Kurt Newman: ".......when I first saw the card for WAR......I was ticked off that I didn't see my name on the main event. Hell, I didn't even see my name on the card. I was later told I was going to be part of this Battle Royale where who ever wins becomes the first number one contender for the Gol Rey De Reyes title. No idea what a Gol Rey is but it sounds Mexican. But still.....you have someone with my name and my caliber and yet where the hell is my name? Kurt Newman is a name that draws in eyes and money and by not putting my name on that card both companies will be losing money and viewership because of it. But don't worry......I'm doing everything that I can to promote this pay per view and put my name out there so that we can still get a good crowd. But enough about me.....lets talk about this pay per view.
WAR! That's the name of the pay per view right? This is supposed to be a war ladies and gentlemen between two Feds! And yet I haven't seen one yet. I haven't seen shots fired! I haven't seen blood shed yet. This pay per view shouldn't be called WAR! This should be called Slappy Hands instead because that's all I've been seeing lately. Already seen a couple of promos up lately on the Guerrero side and when I look into their eyes I don't see that fire. I don't see that want and drive to stand in the opposite side of that ring and kill their opponent for their fed and their country that they're representing.
But then I listened to some of my NJFC family members and I don't see that fire in their eyes either. They see this as just another match. No company pride.....no country pride......just another pay check to spend on crap that they don't need
So who's going to do it huh? Who's going to take that first shot?
(I can't help but grin as I hold up my right hand and point it at the camera like a gun. With a grin on my face, I pull the trigger. The recoil is so fierce that it pulls my hand up towards the sky. I can't help but imagine smoke coming from the barrel of my finger as I look past the smoke and look at the camera.)
Kurt Newman: "Guerrero.....your company is garbage with a roster that belongs in a bingo hall in the middle of nowhere Idaho to a crowd of 50 fat gringos than stand in such a ring in a country and a wrestling style that's legendary for its wrestling. You think you represent Lucha wrestling just because you're part of this organization? Lucha wrestling is about the heart and the soul of the wrestler and the industry. It's about respect and honor......and yet I look at this roster and I don't see any of that. It's a good thing that myself and the NJFC roster is coming over because we'll show you what true Lucha wrestling is all about as we dominate you in each and every match.
I don't know about the rest of the NJFC roster involved in WAR......but I'm ready to fire that first shot. I'm willing to run a knife across some dudes neck and watch as the blood spills down to the mat. I'm ready to strike that match and set that arena on fire and listen to the wood cracking and the screaming of the innocent echoing from the flames. I'm willing to do this all because that's what Guerrero's needs right now. A new fed with so much potential and yet it doesn't have that figure head yet. It doesn't have a champion to lift this company up on its shoulders and lead it to the promise land. It's needs a true champion and ladies and gentlemen......that individual is myself.
And sure......everyone else in this Battle Royale will say the same thing as they hope to get a title shot at the Gol Rey De Reyes title. That they're the best. That they've done this and that they've done that and they beat this dude and retired that guy. They'll list everything that they accomplished and show you a closet full of titles that they've gained over the years. Hell, they might even show you a high light video of all the sick looking moves that they've hit on people and just how tough they really are with pictures of them bloody and barely standing.
And you know what I have to say about all that? Go ahead and waste your time and money on it. Waste your breathe screaming to the masses from on top of your soap box, trying to convince to everyone who the hell you are. Me.......I don't need to tell you who I am. I don't need to tell you what Ive done and what titles I've accumulated over the decades. I know what I can do. The people who know me or have heard of me know what I can do and what I've accomplished in this industry. And if you don't know who the hell I am......you best be doing your homework because if you don't......you're going to be in a world of hurt because you will be stepping in the ring with one of the best.
And I don't say I'm the best in this business just because of what I do in this ring. It's because of what I can do in this ring and out of it. Once I'm committed to a company I'm in it one hundred and ten percent. I put my time, my money, my blood, my bones, my heart and soul into that company and I don't leave until my body is broken and I can't compete any longer.
So ladies and gentlemen......I will walk out of this battle Royale not because I say it's so......it's not because I want a title shot.....my goals are much bigger and much wilder than that. I want to win to make this company great.....and for Guerrero to be great.......Kurt Newman needs to win. And when I win.....and trust me ladies and gentlemen, I will win this tournament because there is no one on the Guerrero roster or the NJFC roster that I can't beat......but when I win I will move on and win the Gol Rey De Reyes title and by doing so I will put this company on my shoulders and lead this company to greatness. I've done it with EWC. I've done it and doing it again with PW:U.....and I'm doing it right now with NJFC."
(Just as I'm about to finish up my promo, Alyssa, my personal escort and eye candy to the ring makes her way into the scene and notices that I still have the mask on my head. Without saying a word and not even looking up from her phone, she easily pulls the mask off my head and tosses it to my chest.)
Alyssa Devine: "There, now you don't look like an idiot any more."
(Shocked and in disbelief, I catch the mask in my hands and stare at it. I quickly look back at Alyssa and then down at the mask again as I'm just stupefied with what just happen. I've been pulling on this damn thing for about two weeks and here she comes and just pulls the damn thing off without breaking a sweat. I must have loosen it up for her right? I had to.)
Kurt Newman: "I must had loosen it up for you."
Alyssa Devine: " What ever helps you sleep at night."
(I can't help but watch as she walks away from me. I could say something but I have better things to do.....like wash this smelly thing....or steam clean it......should ask Papa Nurvy about that.)
Kurt Newman: "I want a war ladies and gentlemen. I don't want a race war. I don't want a drug war. I don't want a Twitter war. I don't want a war of words. I just......want a war. I want blood. I want tears. I want bones to break underneath a persons boot. I want someone to take their enemy and with their bare hands end their career. And when the smoke clears and the noise of the dying dies down.......and when myself and the NJFC roster is left standing......we will write the history books and tell everyone just how this WAR.....was truly won. So many blank pages.......so many ways to tell the story. I think I'll write a chapter for myself as I win this Battle Royale. The end of that chapter?
And there was Kurt......with the Rey De Reyes title in his hands......as he became the new champion for Guerrero of Lucha."
(With that, I give the camera one last grin before walking off to clean the mask.)
~The Next Morning Mexico City~
(Look Papa Nury! I'm riding my bike! I'm doing it! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ...........hmmmmmmm another dream and another headache that's about to cave my head in. Im getting to old for this shit. Now where the hell am I today? I should really write a book about the places that I've woken up to after a night of drinking and partying. I could do a chapter alone about that one time I was spooning with the Pope in the Vatican.)
(Speaking of spooning, I'm being spooned right now......and as I get my bearings and feel around, I notice that I'm the little spoon.....aaaaaaand the big spoon has a really big spoon.......and also hairy......and smells like a barn......and oh my god I'm being spooned by some type of animal.....and knowing my luck it's a fucking donkey.)
(Opening one eye open, I see an empty bottle of tequila right in front of my face. Well that would explain me not remembering what the hell I did last night. That would also explain why I'm lying on a pile of hay in the middle of fucking nowhere. How do I know it's Mexico?.......I don't know and neither does Chris who's been writing this crappy promo that you've been reading. I'm just in Mexico alright.....or maybe it's in LA. They're about the same right?)
(Quickly looking behind me, I find a donkey that's spooning me......and of course I had to look down to see if it was a he or she because I wanted to know if that was a leg up against my butt cheeks or it's junk......and of course it's his junk. I take a deep sigh as I rub my head with my hand as I look back at the donkey.)
Kurt Newman: "You aren't the same donkey I slept with 15 years ago are you?"
Donkey "...................………"
Kurt Newman: "Sorry for never calling back. I was going through a thing and.......well it's complicated. Hope you understand."
Donkey: "......................."
Kurt Newman: "Cool, thanks man. Now ummmmm, you haven't happen to my pants around here have you?"
Donkey: "..............................."
Kurt Newman: "It's not like that. It's just I'm a busy man and I have things to do and if word was to get out that I was fucking a male donkey it'd be..........."
Donkey: " ......................."
Kurt Newman: "Hey, I'm all cool with the LGBT community but intersperse relationships, that's an entire bag of mess I don't want to be apart of..........and why the hell am I having a conversation with you in the first place, you can't even talk."
Donkey: "...................."
Kurt Newman: "Fare enough. Now where are my pants?"
(Well I'm going to leave that there. I find my pants, put them on, and hopefully make it back to my hotel. It's going to be a hot day and I'm going to be working on my tan while I figure out a game plan for this Battle Royale. Hopefully who ever writes it gets my good side and if I win, I promise they'll be a little something, something under his or her pillow when they wake up the next morning.)
Donkey: ".............................."
(No it won't be a half eaten Snickers Bar, now get out of here! Now excuse me folks, I'm going to speed walk my way back to civilization while humming the hits of the Bee Gees. Till next time, this is Kurt Newman....... aka Mr. Awesome, The Man That Puts Awe Into Awesome, Senior Awesomeo, The Man That Fucked Your Sister, your Mom, and your Grandma all at the same time, EWC's Mr. Main Event, and of course.......the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.....signing off. )
Donkey: "End Scene."