Post by RevolutionJones on Dec 24, 2017 1:55:49 GMT
We open on a shot from inside of a locker room, somewhere in San Jose. Three long-haired men in San Francisco 49ers jerseys stand side-by-side facing the camera, arms folded in front of their chests. Behind them, a black flag with a red star on it hangs on the back wall.
Man on the left: What’s good, GOL? Thanks for letting us drop by.
Man in the center: Allow us to introduce ourselves.
The man on the right takes a step forward.
Man on the right: I’m Jason Moana. Me and my dude Dontell Porter over here—
Jason points to Dontell, the one in the center, who steps up to join him.
Jason Moana: —we’re the tag team Hyphy Machinery. And that dude over there?
The guy on the left puts his hands up in mock surprise and takes a step forward.
Jason Moana: That’s the Revolution himself, A.J. Morales.
A.J. Morales: You might know us as the three finest students that this school right here, Zapatista Lucha Academy, has ever produced.
Dontell Porter: Valedictorians!
A.J. Morales: Or maybe you know us from all those times we beat Diamond Jack Sabbath in XWA this year.
Jason Moana: That dude’s gone!
A.J. Morales: Or maybe you just know me ‘cause I got these.
A.J. reaches out of the shot for a moment, and when his hands come back into the frame, he’s holding the XWA Hardcore Championship in one hand and one half of the BGDF Yin Yang Championships in the other. Dontell and Jason can’t help but look at it.
Porter/Moana: Ooooooh!
Jason Moana: That’s some gold!
A.J. Morales: And if you’re wondering how well we can function in trios matches? Man, I was a trios champ in ZLL before I even got a whiff of XWA.
Jason takes his eyes off the belts so he can look at the camera.
Jason Moana: And speaking of XWA, that time me and Dontell beat Jack Sabbath? That was 2-on-3. We were down a man the whole time, and we still got the W.
A.J. steps out of the frame for a second to put his title belts back down as Jason turns to his two teammates.
Jason Moana: But y’all...I got a question. That card for Go Ahead and Kill Blitzen, it’s lookin’ pretty stacked, right?
Jason’s words draw his teammates’ attention.
Dontell Porter: Hell yeah! You got that falls count anywhere Christmas Brawl, you got that Rey de Reyes title fight…
Jason Moana: But what I wanna know is, who’s gonna go home with that Lucha World Cup?
Dontell Porter: Hmmm…
All three make a show of stroking their chins as they look up at the ceiling before their gaze comes back down and they all look at each other.
Dontell Porter: Is it gon’ be Dogs of War?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
Dontell Porter: Trio de los Randos?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
Dontell Porter: American Ultras?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
A.J. Morales: Fuck those guys!
Dontell Porter: Well, I guess that only leaves one, right? The prodigal sons of ZLL, the Zapatistas of West Coast lucha libre, the leaders of the RevoLucha...TEAM…
All three men cup their hands around their mouths and yell to the sky.
Morales/Porter/Moana: BAY AREAAAAAAAAAAAA!
A moment’s pause. All that shouting means they all need a second to catch their breath.
A.J. Morales: And we’re also kinda reppin’ Mexico too, right? I mean, I got the dual citizenship and everything…
Jason Moana: Fair point, fair point. We’ll take that home field advantage, even if it’s really just you.
A.J. Morales: But if I got that, Dontell, wanna tell ‘em why we declared a RevoLucha in the first place?
Jason Moana: Tell ‘em, Dontell!
Dontell looks down the lens of the camera with a gleam in his eye.
Dontell Porter: Oh, I’ll tell ‘em exactly why. See, I did my research on how these Lucha World Cup lineups go. I watched hours of game tape. And every year, it’s the same old shit. Sam Worthington and his headass minions step up, they take the mantle as Team USA, and they run their mouths, and they repeat all that bullshit they heard on Fox News, and they pull rudo shit that drags all fifty states’ good names through the mud.
A.J. Morales: But here’s the thing, Sam. Just like your Cheeto Benito couldn’t win that popular vote, just like nobody likes how he’s doing in office, you and your crew don’t represent what America’s actually supposed to be about.
Jason Moana: And you sure as hell don’t represent the Bay Area!
A.J. Morales: I mean, if anything, we should be carrying that flag. Think of all the American values we represent! Diversity, hard work, making the most out of every opportunity…
Dontell Porter: Look at me and Jason! We been runnin’ MP Customs out in Oakland since we were sixteen! We started that shit all on our own, and now we’re out here gettin’ paid to customize a muh’fuckin’ Lamborghini when the time’s right!
Jason Moana: Don’t believe us? Check that archive and watch XWA Legends. You’ll see us.
A.J. Morales: But since y’all ain’t gonna let someone else take that spot, y’all get to make our home cities look bad by association. So that kinda leaves us with only one option to stop it…
Jason Moana: Secession.
Dontell Porter: Opposition.
A.J. Morales: RevoLucha-nary war.
Dontell Porter: So here’s what we gon’ do for our Christmas Eve. We gon’ get on that boat.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ have our mentor, the lucha legend himself, El Móndragon, in our corner.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ get in that ring.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ beat y’all black and red.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ break up every pin and every submission you try and put us in.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ go to the finals.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ square off with whoever wins the other match.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ do the same shit to them.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ take home that Lucha World Cup.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ do it for the Bay.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ celebrate it all the way down Telegraph Avenue.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: And then in 2018, those GOL Trios Championships gon’ be ours.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
A.J. Morales: And whether you believe us or whether you don’t…
A.J. starts to approach the camera, a mischievous look on his face, as Dontell and Jason stay behind him and in the frame.
A.J. Morales: ...everybody else in that tournament...brace yourselves. Team Bay Area’s coming for you, and our RevoLucha will be televised.
The trio raise clenched-fist salutes, and after a moment of letting that visual hang, A.J. kisses his fist and punches the camera right in the lens.
Static. Fade out.
Man on the left: What’s good, GOL? Thanks for letting us drop by.
Man in the center: Allow us to introduce ourselves.
The man on the right takes a step forward.
Man on the right: I’m Jason Moana. Me and my dude Dontell Porter over here—
Jason points to Dontell, the one in the center, who steps up to join him.
Jason Moana: —we’re the tag team Hyphy Machinery. And that dude over there?
The guy on the left puts his hands up in mock surprise and takes a step forward.
Jason Moana: That’s the Revolution himself, A.J. Morales.
A.J. Morales: You might know us as the three finest students that this school right here, Zapatista Lucha Academy, has ever produced.
Dontell Porter: Valedictorians!
A.J. Morales: Or maybe you know us from all those times we beat Diamond Jack Sabbath in XWA this year.
Jason Moana: That dude’s gone!
A.J. Morales: Or maybe you just know me ‘cause I got these.
A.J. reaches out of the shot for a moment, and when his hands come back into the frame, he’s holding the XWA Hardcore Championship in one hand and one half of the BGDF Yin Yang Championships in the other. Dontell and Jason can’t help but look at it.
Porter/Moana: Ooooooh!
Jason Moana: That’s some gold!
A.J. Morales: And if you’re wondering how well we can function in trios matches? Man, I was a trios champ in ZLL before I even got a whiff of XWA.
Jason takes his eyes off the belts so he can look at the camera.
Jason Moana: And speaking of XWA, that time me and Dontell beat Jack Sabbath? That was 2-on-3. We were down a man the whole time, and we still got the W.
A.J. steps out of the frame for a second to put his title belts back down as Jason turns to his two teammates.
Jason Moana: But y’all...I got a question. That card for Go Ahead and Kill Blitzen, it’s lookin’ pretty stacked, right?
Jason’s words draw his teammates’ attention.
Dontell Porter: Hell yeah! You got that falls count anywhere Christmas Brawl, you got that Rey de Reyes title fight…
Jason Moana: But what I wanna know is, who’s gonna go home with that Lucha World Cup?
Dontell Porter: Hmmm…
All three make a show of stroking their chins as they look up at the ceiling before their gaze comes back down and they all look at each other.
Dontell Porter: Is it gon’ be Dogs of War?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
Dontell Porter: Trio de los Randos?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
Dontell Porter: American Ultras?
Morales/Moana: NOPE!
A.J. Morales: Fuck those guys!
Dontell Porter: Well, I guess that only leaves one, right? The prodigal sons of ZLL, the Zapatistas of West Coast lucha libre, the leaders of the RevoLucha...TEAM…
All three men cup their hands around their mouths and yell to the sky.
Morales/Porter/Moana: BAY AREAAAAAAAAAAAA!
A moment’s pause. All that shouting means they all need a second to catch their breath.
A.J. Morales: And we’re also kinda reppin’ Mexico too, right? I mean, I got the dual citizenship and everything…
Jason Moana: Fair point, fair point. We’ll take that home field advantage, even if it’s really just you.
A.J. Morales: But if I got that, Dontell, wanna tell ‘em why we declared a RevoLucha in the first place?
Jason Moana: Tell ‘em, Dontell!
Dontell looks down the lens of the camera with a gleam in his eye.
Dontell Porter: Oh, I’ll tell ‘em exactly why. See, I did my research on how these Lucha World Cup lineups go. I watched hours of game tape. And every year, it’s the same old shit. Sam Worthington and his headass minions step up, they take the mantle as Team USA, and they run their mouths, and they repeat all that bullshit they heard on Fox News, and they pull rudo shit that drags all fifty states’ good names through the mud.
A.J. Morales: But here’s the thing, Sam. Just like your Cheeto Benito couldn’t win that popular vote, just like nobody likes how he’s doing in office, you and your crew don’t represent what America’s actually supposed to be about.
Jason Moana: And you sure as hell don’t represent the Bay Area!
A.J. Morales: I mean, if anything, we should be carrying that flag. Think of all the American values we represent! Diversity, hard work, making the most out of every opportunity…
Dontell Porter: Look at me and Jason! We been runnin’ MP Customs out in Oakland since we were sixteen! We started that shit all on our own, and now we’re out here gettin’ paid to customize a muh’fuckin’ Lamborghini when the time’s right!
Jason Moana: Don’t believe us? Check that archive and watch XWA Legends. You’ll see us.
A.J. Morales: But since y’all ain’t gonna let someone else take that spot, y’all get to make our home cities look bad by association. So that kinda leaves us with only one option to stop it…
Jason Moana: Secession.
Dontell Porter: Opposition.
A.J. Morales: RevoLucha-nary war.
Dontell Porter: So here’s what we gon’ do for our Christmas Eve. We gon’ get on that boat.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ have our mentor, the lucha legend himself, El Móndragon, in our corner.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ get in that ring.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ beat y’all black and red.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ break up every pin and every submission you try and put us in.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ go to the finals.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ square off with whoever wins the other match.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ do the same shit to them.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ take home that Lucha World Cup.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ do it for the Bay.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: We gon’ celebrate it all the way down Telegraph Avenue.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
Dontell Porter: And then in 2018, those GOL Trios Championships gon’ be ours.
Morales/Moana: YUP!
A.J. Morales: And whether you believe us or whether you don’t…
A.J. starts to approach the camera, a mischievous look on his face, as Dontell and Jason stay behind him and in the frame.
A.J. Morales: ...everybody else in that tournament...brace yourselves. Team Bay Area’s coming for you, and our RevoLucha will be televised.
The trio raise clenched-fist salutes, and after a moment of letting that visual hang, A.J. kisses his fist and punches the camera right in the lens.
Static. Fade out.